Feelings.

I've been thinking about them a lot lately. In fact, some people would call me a sensitive guy. And they're right. I've always been one to reflect on how I feel about things, and why I feel the way I do. I also throw caution to the wind when diving head first into relationships. Things don't always turn out the way I'd want them to, but whatever, it's the way I do things. And looking back, I always end up having fun.

You wouldn't know that when I'm down and out though. I can be pretty bitter at times. Share the storm clouds over my head with everyone around me. To the point where it gets awkward. And I kinda regret putting that on my friends.

Anyway, these past few months in particular have had a lot of crazy ups and downs. Like super highs and super lows. Lots of confusion. Recalibrating how I think about feelings and relationships. And more head first dives into empty pools of craziness.

I was talking to a friend the other day that said she didn't know how to handle me when I get too deep. "You're like a girl," she says. "Guys aren't supposed to be in touch with their feelings."

"You're right!" I tell her with a laugh. "I guess you're just gonna have to learn how to deal with me."

Which isn't to say that I'm all sappy shit these days. I downloaded BT's newest album the other day, These Hopeful Machines. It's a big improvement over his last album, This Binary Universe, which was a self-indulgent experimental electronica orgy. Machines, however, gets a big sentimental at times, where he writes a lot about love, about filling you up, and even has his kid singing the chorus for the song Forget Me. This album doesn't have the same emotional scope as his 2003 masterpiece, Emotional Technology, which still ranks as one of my favorite albums of all time (and is still worth a download if you've never listened to BT). But as a double-length album, I appreciate Machine's ambition, and I'm down for two hours of new music to cruise to.

I guess the thing I've been looking for especially in music these days, is a bit of a harder edge, of more earned emotional substance. None of this mopey girly shit. Music with some teeth. I think about the new self-titled album from Interpol. It's not their best work, but there's something I love about the almost percussive guitar rhythms. It's got drive, it's got momentum, it oozes confidence. I really dig that.

So how do these two things tie together, my fluffy feelings vs. my appreciation for harder music?

Sometimes you have to risk sentimentality in order to achieve sentiment.

A common theme that I've been getting from a lot of friends is to have fun. Live for myself for a change. And I dig that too. Stop caring so much about what other people think while still living responsibly. All the boundaries will figure themselves out. Live without apologizing for my feelings. Live without fear.